Letter to my baby, before he was even conceived

May. 9. 2012


To my son or daughter,


I am writing you this letter because I want you to one day know how much you were loved and wanted before I was even pregnant with you.


I also want to tell you the story of how your father and I met and fell in love, the love that created you.

Your dad and I met in the summer of 2010 when I first started working at _______. When we met we were both in relationships. Your dad was still with the mother of your brothers and sister, and I was also in a long term relationship.


From the moment I met your dad, I knew there was something special about him. I worked with him for over a year and always liked him and had a little crush on him, but never really thought anything of it because we were both in relationships.


After a year or so I noticed that your dad was really sad and asked him what was going on, and found out that he had ended his relationship. My heart went out to him, I could see the pain in his eyes and I wished there was something I could do to take away his pain.


I started to talk to your dad more, and developed a friendship with him, and before long I realized I had feelings for him. I never thought in a million years that anything would ever happen between us.


As time went on I became more and more attracted to your dad. I found myself making up excuses to work late just to spend time with him, and looked forward to the days when I would get to work with him.


I was so drawn to him, and I constantly wanted to touch him. It physically hurt me to resist the urge to wrap my arms around him.


Meanwhile my relationship was miserable, but I just didn’t have the strength to leave. One Friday night some coworkers and I decided to go out and I begged your dad to come too. I so badly wanted to spend time with him, despite the fact that my partner was there with me.


When he showed up it was the first time I had seen him outside of work and he looked so handsome. I so badly wanted to sit next to him at dinner. When we were out later, him and I ended up sitting at opposite ends of the group, me with my partner, and him all alone.


I couldn’t stop looking at him all night and so badly wanted to be sitting with him. I kept talking about him and was concerned that he was lonely. I would walk past him and chat with him and put my hands on him. It was a really difficult night, wanting him so badly and being there with someone else.


Over time my feelings for him became stronger and stronger. It became hard for me to be around him, and I tried so hard to get rid of the crush. It felt like a pipe dream, something that would never happen.

In the weeks before we got together I was spending more and more time with your dad and realized I could no longer stop myself from flirting with him. We spent an entire day working in Red Deer together, most of it in a men’s bathroom doing installations, and it pained me not to be with him.

I wanted to grab him and kiss him. When we got back into Calgary I stayed at the office until almost 9pm, hoping he would invite me to go for a bite to eat. I just wanted to be around him.


He ended up leaving to go home, and I stayed behind to figure out what I was going to do. I felt so guilty. I couldn’t go home to look my partner in the eyes, feeling the way that I did about your dad.

I was so afraid to go home because I knew what I had to do. I sat in my bedroom crying because I knew how much pain I was about to inflict on someone I had once loved. That night I ended it, for once and for all.


My partner asked me if there was someone else and I said no, after all, nothing was going on between your dad and I.  However, eventually I confessed after much prodding, that I had feelings for someone else. My partner immediately guessed that it was your dad. I guess in hindsight it had been obvious that there had been something there.


I had just torn another person's heart in two, but I knew I had done the right thing. I still had no idea that anything would ever happen with your dad and I. I hadn’t ended my relationship to be with him, I had ended it to be authentic and to do the right thing.


Six days later, I saw my psychologist and talked about your dad and my feelings for him non-stop. By the end of my session I had decided that I would go back to the office and say something to your dad to bring the torrid affair we had been having in my mind into the realm of reality.


When I got into my car I saw that there was a voice mail from your dad, I called him back terrified, and he asked if I was coming back to the office. Little did he know I was coming back to talk to him. When I asked him why he was wondering, he said that he needed to talk to me.


I was terrified that he had caught onto my crush and that because he was such a decent guy he wanted to address it in person and let me down easily. I was literally hyperventilating the whole way back to the office, and when I got to my desk I felt like throwing up. Moments later I heard him walking down the hall, and then he came into my office and shut the door. He looked terrified, and said “I’ve been thinking about this all day and I’m going to do this before I lose my courage”, and then he said “I was wondering if I could take you out sometime”. I immediately wanted to jump up and down and celebrate and then kiss him, but instead with a huge grin on my face I managed to say “I’d like that”.


Just writing about it makes me smile.  Your dad and I went on our first date 3 days later, and I knew on our first date that he was the one for me.

On our second date I point blank asked him if he was willing to have more children, as you were already a dream of mine.  He looked a little stunned, but answered honestly and said that he was open to it.

Your dad and I were inseparable from then on.  We had our first 3 dates in 3 days, and went away to Banff together the next weekend.

In Banff your dad was tickling my back and I felt him spell something, I was certain that he had just written "I love you" with his fingers, but I didn't say anything.  I already knew he loved me, I had seen it in his eyes.

A couple of weeks later he told me he loved me when we were laying in bed that night.  My answer "I know", and I of course told him that I loved him too.

Your dad and I both knew right away, and talked about getting married.  We decided to start trying to get pregnant right away, as I had seem my doctor and was advised that due to a health condition, we most likely would not conceive naturally.  So here we are, lovingly trying to create you, and having a lot of fun in the process.

I cannot wait until you are here and to when I can one day tell you this story and explain to you just how wanted and intentional your creation was.

I love you more than anything in the world, and you haven't even been created yet.